When people ask how I am I don't know what to say. I feel better I guess. I'm not coughing. I'm not currently having an emotional breakdown. But every day I feel nauseated. I wake up feeling sick to my stomach. And it's a long time before I can lay down at night without wanting to throw up. During the day my heart races, sometimes my hands shake. At night I have nightmares about every possible (and impossible) horribleness. The smallest things make me feel nervous or claustrophobic. Sometimes I feel like crying for no apparent reason. A lot of times I'm so drowsy all I can think about is how much I want to lie down and sleep.
They have a name for this. They call it "Severe Anxiety." Looking back, it seems obvious that I've always had this problem. This is one of the biggest reasons, even though I hadn't been officially diagnosed yet, that I debated whether or not to become a music student. Music students are notorious for being overloaded with classes, ensembles, practicing and homework. But it's where I felt the Lord was calling me and I really believe that He does not always "call the qualified, but rather, qualifies the called." All I can do is keep trying.
And I'm not expecting people - even professors - to understand. They've been really understanding for the most part. Patient. Wanting to help. But it's not something that you go, "Oh, I don't have to be stressed!" and then everything is better. It's not something that you have a cup of tea and listen to some soft music and then walk away relaxed for the rest of the day. It's something you have to work through all the time and I've heard it never really goes away. It's something that will make you depend on God.
The good news is that I am finally getting an appetite back after an unfortunate incident Sunday night. Today I ate a granola bar and a quarter of a sub and I am hungry for dinner. That's progress. Now... for a relaxing evening at home: writing a paper, eating dinner, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I'll probably do the cleaning first. There might be some Owl City involved... don't judge.
