The Places I Belong

A lot of times I feel like I'm lost. Like everyone else knows what's going on besides me. I'm pretty used to it now. It bothered me when I first came to school and took a while for me to get comfortable being different and part of that involved finding out what kind of different I really am. They say this is the time of your life when that happens, so that's cool. But I was listening to the Lumineers tonight and thinking about good times I've had and it just kind of reminded me of all the times in my life when I really felt like I belonged, like things were the way they should be. I'm guessing a lot of people know that feeling. Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't think so.



These are the places I've felt at home: In a living room with friends playing Monopoly and listening to Celtic Thunder and drinking Coke with my best writer friend. Reading her fantasy story, which she never finished. :-P Watching Jane Austen movies with my mom. Alone in my bedroom in Virginia during a thunderstorm, with a cup of tea in my hand. All those hours I spent writing Broken Things. Watching Psych with friends and singing the theme song too many times. Being a part of Voices United and going to the practices with the Smiths. Listening to Bobby McFerrin with my Russian piano teacher.

Going to Outback with friends and listening to the Lumineers and eating cheese fries for the first time. Going to the DMV with the same friends on a whim because it was exam week and it was fun. All the summer weekends with my boyfriend at his house. Being in his arms, hanging out with his family, or all those thought-provoking conversations. Watching Foyle's War or Numb3rs with my family. Making note cards out of scrapbook paper and drinking sweet tea (with lemon!) out of mason jars with friends. Reading Game of Thrones. The feeling of a finding a new friend when the whole world seems to have gone dark. The film festivals.

Going to the library and studying with my best friend - studying which involved finding Scarlatti sonatas and Liszt waltzes and eating doughnuts. My 11th birthday party at my first piano teacher's house - my teacher gave me my first Bach CD and her sister made me cupcakes. Playing spoons on my 20th birthday. Working with Maria at McDonald's (as greasy and stressful as it was) and knowing I was meeting her perfectionist standards. Talking to my sister on video chat tonight. Bob and Matt, who listened to my story ideas instead of watching the super bowl.

Saturday mornings in my piano teacher's studio, practicing and memorizing and knowing she cares enough to give me as many extra lessons as it takes. My sophomore review. Singing in Women's Chorale in chapel and especially the concerts - the culmination of hours of rehearsals and hard work. Introducing Josh to my family in Disney World. The feeling when I finally memorize a piece - times a million when I perform it well from memory. Teaching piano and the dedication of my students who inspired me to be a better teacher. Babysitting the kids across the street.

Cherry Coke and pizza and painting my room and the High Kings. The smell of freshly mowed grass and a summer breeze through open windows. Swimming with Josh's cousins in their pool. Listening to Redwall. My mom reading Stuart Little, Dominick, The Thirteen Clocks and many other books out loud to us when we were kids. Being called "Aunt Emily." Being part of my "fish group" during the agony of college orientation. Seeing the sun rise on the intracoastal.

There were times in my life so good that I thought they would never end or change and some things so bad that I couldn't see how anything good could happen. But life goes back and forth like that, and during the good times it's important to appreciate it and during the bad times, it's important to know that it won't last forever. In the past year, I've lost friends that I thought would stick by me forever and I've made friends I never imagined I would have. But still life goes on, and no matter what, everything is a learning experience for tomorrow.

Summer, Oh Summer

Trying to make it through exam week. 

 It's finally summer!!! The last two weeks of school were crazyyyy. I was racing to get everything done in time, but somehow it all got done and I passed my sophomore review and life is good. My professors were so awesome and supportive - I couldn't have finished without their support. :)

Right at the end of the semester I decided to change my major to Music Ed. I had a lot of reasons for wanting to change, but mostly I just realized that teaching in a school is something I had never seriously considered before and when I did, it just made sense. There's more job security, it definitely won't keep me from having my own private piano studio someday, and to be honest, I think teaching in a classroom of young children would be really fun! Today I finally met up with my new advisor who helped me figure out a new degree plan and got my schedule all set for next semester. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

Waiting to go have a drawing lesson in Hollywood Studios

The day after my last exam, Josh and I drove up to Disney to meet with my uncle, dad, and younger brother and sister. I was a little nervous about everyone meeting him for the first time, after we'd been dating for six months already, but it all went way better than I even hoped for. It wasn't even a little bit awkward and everyone had a good time. I'm looking forward to when he can meet the rest of my family.

Finally done after 3 days of moving, cleaning, and organizing.

I'm all moved into my apartment for the summer. I'm living on campus and it's pretty ghetto, to be honest, but it is relatively inexpensive and there are no mold issues, like there were in my other on-campus apartment. Plus, maintenance just installed a brand new medicine cabinet/mirror in the bathroom, which may very well be the nicest part of the whole place. I'm really happy because it's pretty clean and easy to keep clean. The only BIG downside to this arrangement is that I have to move into a different room in the same building at the end of June. Not excited about that. Something about maintenance and what-not. But in August I'm moving into off-campus housing!! It's going to be so great.

In other news, I've started working at Anthropologie and it is going really well so far. McDonald's feels a million miles away and for that, I am very grateful. I do miss Maria however. She's the best. I'm also looking into getting another part-time job at the Salvation Army or anywhere within biking distance really. I'm also working on catching up on my piano practicing and maybe doing a little reading this summer and watching Netflix, of course. :) Josh and I just started the Sherlock series, which is pretty great. ^_^

I think that's about it for my life right now... Hope you're having a great summer. :)

How am I feeling?

When people ask how I am I don't know what to say. I feel better I guess. I'm not coughing. I'm not currently having an emotional breakdown. But every day I feel nauseated. I wake up feeling sick to my stomach. And it's a long time before I can lay down at night without wanting to throw up. During the day my heart races, sometimes my hands shake. At night I have nightmares about every possible (and impossible) horribleness. The smallest things make me feel nervous or claustrophobic. Sometimes I feel like crying for no apparent reason. A lot of times I'm so drowsy all I can think about is how much I want to lie down and sleep. 

They have a name for this. They call it "Severe Anxiety." Looking back, it seems obvious that I've always had this problem. This is one of the biggest reasons, even though I hadn't been officially diagnosed yet, that I debated whether or not to become a music student. Music students are notorious for being overloaded with classes, ensembles, practicing and homework. But it's where I felt the Lord was calling me and I really believe that He does not always "call the qualified, but rather, qualifies the called." All I can do is keep trying. 

And I'm not expecting people - even professors - to understand. They've been really understanding for the most part. Patient. Wanting to help. But it's not something that you go, "Oh, I don't have to be stressed!" and then everything is better. It's not something that you have a cup of tea and listen to some soft music and then walk away relaxed for the rest of the day. It's something you have to work through all the time and I've heard it never really goes away. It's something that will make you depend on God. 

The good news is that I am finally getting an appetite back after an unfortunate incident Sunday night. Today I ate a granola bar and a quarter of a sub and I am hungry for dinner. That's progress. Now... for a relaxing evening at home: writing a paper, eating dinner, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I'll probably do the cleaning first. There might be some Owl City involved... don't judge. 

It's Monday and It's Raining

A little mixed moods today. So thankful to be coughing less! Got through a whole rehearsal without coughing today. First time all semester I believe. The asthma/allergy specialist that I saw last week has really helped me so much and I feel like I am finally on the road to good health. After four months of coughing and throwing up and feeling nauseated and generally unwell, it is good to know that I could finally be getting a grip on this. Not to mention this "sickness" is something that has really haunted my whole life - but may be under control now, hopefully. This could change my whole life...

However I am kind of discouraged about being a music major. I feel like I am falling so far behind in practicing - a lot because I've been sick, but that doesn't really make me feel any better about it. I am not someone who enjoys making excuses for not working, but I feel like this semester all I've done is emailed teachers and explained why I am unable to meet all of their requirements. I thought I was doing a good job in lowering my commitments this semester (15 credits compared to 19 the last two semesters) and only one small side job. But somehow I'm still struggling to keep up.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up over time lost being sick. Stress certainly doesn't encourage health. All I can do now is work as hard as is reasonably possible and try to pick up the pieces. I feel like this is what my whole life is with piano. Either getting sick and getting behind, or being too busy working, or not taking piano lessons for several years... I'm always trying to recover from some major setback. Plus, my teacher and another pianist confirmed for me this week that I will probably never be able to play Rachmaninoff because I have really tiny hands. I sometimes wonder why I ever thought piano was something I could be good at.

That isn't the attitude of a fighter though. A fighter keeps going, keeps picking themselves back up, keeps going back to the practice room even when they feel like all hope is lost. They keep scrubbing at the dirt and dusting the furniture and taking all of the medicines and inhalers and avoiding the foods that kick them back down. They don't look back at the things they could have done, they just look ahead at all they are going to do. They set realistic goals for themselves and stop comparing themselves to other people who always seem to be one step ahead. I used to think I was a fighter. I guess it's time to find out.

Spring Break Finale

Back in Florida after a few restful days in Virginia! I got to see my family - including my niece and nephew - and friends and sleep a lot and see my doctor and fun stuff like that. It wasn't even that cold until Thursday, when I flew out. It was hovering beneath freezing yesterday. But the other days were really beautiful. I found out that I'm not nearly as good at chess as I thought I was. I got to do homemaking stuff like cooking several times and mending a couple tears in my boyfriend's clothes. It was nice.

Last Wednesday (the 5th), my choir director from back home was in Florida so he took me out to dinner. Super nice! It was really great to see him and I got to show him my new bike and the school. His wife sent down with him a pack of 90 EmergenC packets for me, so I've been working on drinking them. He even got to meet Josh briefly. There's something especially fun about someone coming to see me down here that is different than going home to see people. Although both are great of course.

I got really sick that night and couldn't go to class Thursday. That was really stressful because I missed a midterm, a chapel performance, a band party, and a friend's recital. But I couldn't get out of bed and slept the whole day. But Josh cleaned up my bathroom for me until it sparkled and a professor brought me soup and bread and gatorade which I thought was super nice. I felt much, much better the next day, thanks to the rest, prayers and kind services. :)

On Friday night, Josh took me to see "The Wind Rises" which was amazing. I loved it. We laughed and we cried. The animation, music, story - everything was amazing. I really want to see it again, it was so good. It was about the Japanese aviation engineer who designed the bombers that they used to bomb Pearl Harbor. We hear so much about America (obviously, being Americans) that it is really interesting to get a different perspective on that time and try to understand more of what was going on outside of the west.

I found out some really sad news right as I was leaving Virginia last night... George Donaldson, one of the original five members of Celtic Thunder, died of a heart attack Wednesday night. This was really, really sad for me on a personal level because of how much that group has meant to me, especially when I was a teenager. Their songs were very meaningful for me, and I always thought of George Donaldson as being the "father figure" in the group. It was really shocking to hear of his sudden death and my heart goes out to his 13-year-old daughter, Sarah, and his wife, Carolyn. :-/ My grandfather died of a heart attack when I was 16 and George singing "The Old Man" was something very special to me at the time. I will always fondly remember the time I got to see them in concert with Colleen on my 17th birthday.

Before Monday, I have to write at least half of a 15-page paper, finish memorizing a Chopin nocturne, get a Scarlatti sonata "in my hands," and perform in a concert on Saturday. I also have a lot of reading to do. I kind of want to wash my sheets and get unpacked too. I feel like my break went by so quickly, but that's okay. I'm really looking forward to summer.  I'm just a whirlwind of thoughts and memories and plans and ideas and stress... lots to think about.