It's Monday and It's Raining

A little mixed moods today. So thankful to be coughing less! Got through a whole rehearsal without coughing today. First time all semester I believe. The asthma/allergy specialist that I saw last week has really helped me so much and I feel like I am finally on the road to good health. After four months of coughing and throwing up and feeling nauseated and generally unwell, it is good to know that I could finally be getting a grip on this. Not to mention this "sickness" is something that has really haunted my whole life - but may be under control now, hopefully. This could change my whole life...

However I am kind of discouraged about being a music major. I feel like I am falling so far behind in practicing - a lot because I've been sick, but that doesn't really make me feel any better about it. I am not someone who enjoys making excuses for not working, but I feel like this semester all I've done is emailed teachers and explained why I am unable to meet all of their requirements. I thought I was doing a good job in lowering my commitments this semester (15 credits compared to 19 the last two semesters) and only one small side job. But somehow I'm still struggling to keep up.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up over time lost being sick. Stress certainly doesn't encourage health. All I can do now is work as hard as is reasonably possible and try to pick up the pieces. I feel like this is what my whole life is with piano. Either getting sick and getting behind, or being too busy working, or not taking piano lessons for several years... I'm always trying to recover from some major setback. Plus, my teacher and another pianist confirmed for me this week that I will probably never be able to play Rachmaninoff because I have really tiny hands. I sometimes wonder why I ever thought piano was something I could be good at.

That isn't the attitude of a fighter though. A fighter keeps going, keeps picking themselves back up, keeps going back to the practice room even when they feel like all hope is lost. They keep scrubbing at the dirt and dusting the furniture and taking all of the medicines and inhalers and avoiding the foods that kick them back down. They don't look back at the things they could have done, they just look ahead at all they are going to do. They set realistic goals for themselves and stop comparing themselves to other people who always seem to be one step ahead. I used to think I was a fighter. I guess it's time to find out.

Spring Break Finale

Back in Florida after a few restful days in Virginia! I got to see my family - including my niece and nephew - and friends and sleep a lot and see my doctor and fun stuff like that. It wasn't even that cold until Thursday, when I flew out. It was hovering beneath freezing yesterday. But the other days were really beautiful. I found out that I'm not nearly as good at chess as I thought I was. I got to do homemaking stuff like cooking several times and mending a couple tears in my boyfriend's clothes. It was nice.

Last Wednesday (the 5th), my choir director from back home was in Florida so he took me out to dinner. Super nice! It was really great to see him and I got to show him my new bike and the school. His wife sent down with him a pack of 90 EmergenC packets for me, so I've been working on drinking them. He even got to meet Josh briefly. There's something especially fun about someone coming to see me down here that is different than going home to see people. Although both are great of course.

I got really sick that night and couldn't go to class Thursday. That was really stressful because I missed a midterm, a chapel performance, a band party, and a friend's recital. But I couldn't get out of bed and slept the whole day. But Josh cleaned up my bathroom for me until it sparkled and a professor brought me soup and bread and gatorade which I thought was super nice. I felt much, much better the next day, thanks to the rest, prayers and kind services. :)

On Friday night, Josh took me to see "The Wind Rises" which was amazing. I loved it. We laughed and we cried. The animation, music, story - everything was amazing. I really want to see it again, it was so good. It was about the Japanese aviation engineer who designed the bombers that they used to bomb Pearl Harbor. We hear so much about America (obviously, being Americans) that it is really interesting to get a different perspective on that time and try to understand more of what was going on outside of the west.

I found out some really sad news right as I was leaving Virginia last night... George Donaldson, one of the original five members of Celtic Thunder, died of a heart attack Wednesday night. This was really, really sad for me on a personal level because of how much that group has meant to me, especially when I was a teenager. Their songs were very meaningful for me, and I always thought of George Donaldson as being the "father figure" in the group. It was really shocking to hear of his sudden death and my heart goes out to his 13-year-old daughter, Sarah, and his wife, Carolyn. :-/ My grandfather died of a heart attack when I was 16 and George singing "The Old Man" was something very special to me at the time. I will always fondly remember the time I got to see them in concert with Colleen on my 17th birthday.

Before Monday, I have to write at least half of a 15-page paper, finish memorizing a Chopin nocturne, get a Scarlatti sonata "in my hands," and perform in a concert on Saturday. I also have a lot of reading to do. I kind of want to wash my sheets and get unpacked too. I feel like my break went by so quickly, but that's okay. I'm really looking forward to summer.  I'm just a whirlwind of thoughts and memories and plans and ideas and stress... lots to think about.