It's Monday and It's Raining

A little mixed moods today. So thankful to be coughing less! Got through a whole rehearsal without coughing today. First time all semester I believe. The asthma/allergy specialist that I saw last week has really helped me so much and I feel like I am finally on the road to good health. After four months of coughing and throwing up and feeling nauseated and generally unwell, it is good to know that I could finally be getting a grip on this. Not to mention this "sickness" is something that has really haunted my whole life - but may be under control now, hopefully. This could change my whole life...

However I am kind of discouraged about being a music major. I feel like I am falling so far behind in practicing - a lot because I've been sick, but that doesn't really make me feel any better about it. I am not someone who enjoys making excuses for not working, but I feel like this semester all I've done is emailed teachers and explained why I am unable to meet all of their requirements. I thought I was doing a good job in lowering my commitments this semester (15 credits compared to 19 the last two semesters) and only one small side job. But somehow I'm still struggling to keep up.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up over time lost being sick. Stress certainly doesn't encourage health. All I can do now is work as hard as is reasonably possible and try to pick up the pieces. I feel like this is what my whole life is with piano. Either getting sick and getting behind, or being too busy working, or not taking piano lessons for several years... I'm always trying to recover from some major setback. Plus, my teacher and another pianist confirmed for me this week that I will probably never be able to play Rachmaninoff because I have really tiny hands. I sometimes wonder why I ever thought piano was something I could be good at.

That isn't the attitude of a fighter though. A fighter keeps going, keeps picking themselves back up, keeps going back to the practice room even when they feel like all hope is lost. They keep scrubbing at the dirt and dusting the furniture and taking all of the medicines and inhalers and avoiding the foods that kick them back down. They don't look back at the things they could have done, they just look ahead at all they are going to do. They set realistic goals for themselves and stop comparing themselves to other people who always seem to be one step ahead. I used to think I was a fighter. I guess it's time to find out.