The Results of Thinking Too Much

I was thinking the other day (as I generally tend to think too much) about how there are so many books and songs about the pains and triumphs of love and so few about friendship. You can find love songs by pretty much any artist or songwriter, but why is it so hard to find ballades about what true friendship is, or the impact it can have on you?

I didn't really have many friends growing up for varying reasons. I remember I had one friend when I was 9, who I grew apart from a few months later. My next friend came when I was 12 and she was my only friend for another two years before I really started reaching out and finding comrades. Even then, I've always kept to a small friend group. I have made many mistakes as a friend. I let a boy come between me and friend (bad idea). I was passive aggressive to get attention (another terrible idea). I was jealous of another friend's success during a dark time for myself (that's just straight out selfish). I have learned a lot from these experiences and many, many others. But one thing that's always been true for me is that friends have always been extremely important. Maybe because I had to wait so long to find one or maybe because I just get attached easily. Either way, my friends are like my family to me.

For some strange reason, when I came to college as a young, insecure freshman, I had this idea that I didn't have time for friends. I made up my mind to avoid making friends as much as possible. My personality made this rather difficult however, and I certainly had a friend group before I was a month into college life. Before I was three months into college life, I had lost two friends: one got super possessive of me and didn't want me to have other friends... creepy!! and another I lost through complicated and dramatic circumstances that were not my fault. I also made several friends that I thought would last a life time.

My freshman year was full of culture shock, soap opera level drama, the general stress of being a music major, and medical complications. It was one of the hardest years of my life and by the end of it I didn't want to come back to Florida for a second year. I wanted to transfer to a local school and stay at home. I even applied to one and begged my dad to not make me go back to PBA one more year. The summer itself wasn't easy - I was trying to survive at McDonald's while also recovering emotionally from that horrible freshman year. Then, a friend who I had thought would never do anything to purposefully thwart my happiness, actually started bullying my younger siblings and making life unpleasant for me in a variety of ways. Over a boy, of course. It was pretty wretched to think that I couldn't even get away from drama in my own home town. But at least it helped me *want* to go back to Florida, like my dad insisted I do for at least one more year.

I'm really glad he did, because even though sophomore year wasn't easy by any stretch, I met someone who would change my life forever. My boyfriend. I met him right away, because he was in the percussion section of symphonic band, but we didn't really talk for a couple months. During those couple months I was busy with 19 credits, being a peer mentor, adjusting to new roommates, and getting ready for my first college recital. I was also trying to heal some friendships that had been under a lot of stress the last semester. Things weren't easy, but they were so much better than my first year that I was pretty optimistic. October came and I fell in love with that percussionist guy. He taught me how to longboard. There was no hope for me after that. :-P

I fell for him really fast, before we really had a chance to become friends. (I know I did that wrong!! :-P) Thankfully, when we started dating, the friendship part came pretty easily. There were a lot of ups and downs and it was difficult because we started dating right before Christmas break, but for the most part it was pretty great. I was nervous because he was my first boyfriend and I was no saint about it. I was confused because I liked him because he was good looking, but I also liked him because he was a good person, and I wasn't sure if my motivations were 100% pure and it was an intense, soul searching time. Now that I look back, I realize I was just growing up and discovering my identity.

That's a pretty scary process no matter who you are or when it happens, but during that initial honeymoon phase I felt completely alone. It was just me and Josh working things out. Obviously, I wanted to be with him ALL the time, but I really am sad that I didn't have a close friend who knew both of us that I could go to. Thankfully, I had my parents behind me. I got their approval first and Josh even offered to call them and make sure everything was good between them. Secondly, I was forced to pray about our relationship a lot because I really didn't have anyone else to go to who had any idea what was going on.

But the spring semester was rough. I depended on Josh not just as my boyfriend but also as my ONLY friend for a while. I called my mom every other day because I was lonely and I didn't want to distract Josh from doing homework. While that was great, I knew her opinion couldn't be totally objective because she only knew what I told her. I really needed a local friend that I could count on to be there for me. Someone who would get coffee with me, or go on a Target run with me, or just get to know Josh and let me know if there was something I wasn't seeing (good or bad) to help keep my head out of the clouds and keep me from freaking out about the small things.

I was also struggling with the friendships I'd lost because I started dating Josh. I didn't realize that dating him would have such dramatic rippling effects. But I lost my closest friend over it. I can see now how I've grown from that. I can see how it probably wouldn't have lasted in it's current state because it just wasn't healthy - it would have been something else if it hadn't been Josh. I can see how I have really become more of my own person since then... but none of that takes away the hurt. I told my counselor this, frustrated, and she was like, "Good. That means you're human." I guess to experience pain means to experience life itself. But it is not an experience I'd really wish on anyone. The whole semester I felt simultaneously elated and humiliated, loved and forsaken, valuable and worthless, like I'd found a soul mate but also agonizingly lonely. I was reminded every day of my friend-who-used-to-be. And every day my heart would break a little over it.

I called my mom crying so many times. I had nightmares over it. During last semester I was also struggling with health issues and discovered that I have extreme anxiety disorder. I barely made it through the semester, somehow passed my sophomore review and began a less eventful summer. This summer I didn't get a chance to work much, which was stressful for me (money is so frustratingly necessary and hard to come by!)  and I didn't get to see my family like I had planned on. But so many things happened that couldn't have happened otherwise, that even those things were worth it.

I got much needed counseling which really helped me sort out things in all areas of my life, including helping me heal over that friendship devastation. I got closer to Josh and his family, spending a lot of time with them. I had a lot of doctor's appointments and had my wisdom teeth out and other things that are hard to do during the school year. I was able to look for a place to live this fall. (Kind of important :-P). I discovered I have more courage and resilience in me than I thought. I also made two new friends that I wouldn't have met otherwise.

Lauren and Janiel. Lauren was my roommate this summer. Janiel is Lauren's friend. Over the past three months, we've had a lot of good times, thought-provoking conversations, related over difficult experiences and been there for each other in different ways. I can't say what the future holds or where we will be a year from now, but I can say that I am thankful for them right now. Just as I was thankful for the friends I had my freshman year during that time. I am thankful to not feel alone anymore. I am thankful that God heard my tears and prayers and gave me new friends. I am excited for the good times we will have next year... and hopefully the year after that.

I am also thankful for Josh and that we've been dating over 9 months now and he has become a closer friend than I even thought could be possible. He has taught me what it means to be a good friend. I am thankful for his family who is always there for me, no matter what. I am thankful for my family, who sacrificed seeing me this summer so that I could do what I needed to do down here. I am thankful for my mom who listens to my rambling and frustrations - even at 4 in the morning. I am thankful for my dad who will have those complicated conversations about money and medical bills and school and housing after a long day of work. I am thankful for my uncle who gave me the opportunity to follow my dreams.

Life can be super tough sometimes, but somehow we get through it, and somehow it's always worth it in the end. Even though the pain may be greater than it has ever been before, even though the discouragement might be heavier than ever before, even though the future looks darker than ever before, never give up. God does hear our prayers, our tears are not disregarded by Him. He cares and He will come through for you. Even if your faith is so weak it amounts to the size of a mustard seed, God can work through you and for you. Mine really was the size of a mustard seed this year. I struggled with trusting Him a lot -  He came through for me anyway. Don't lose hope.

The Places I Belong

A lot of times I feel like I'm lost. Like everyone else knows what's going on besides me. I'm pretty used to it now. It bothered me when I first came to school and took a while for me to get comfortable being different and part of that involved finding out what kind of different I really am. They say this is the time of your life when that happens, so that's cool. But I was listening to the Lumineers tonight and thinking about good times I've had and it just kind of reminded me of all the times in my life when I really felt like I belonged, like things were the way they should be. I'm guessing a lot of people know that feeling. Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't think so.



These are the places I've felt at home: In a living room with friends playing Monopoly and listening to Celtic Thunder and drinking Coke with my best writer friend. Reading her fantasy story, which she never finished. :-P Watching Jane Austen movies with my mom. Alone in my bedroom in Virginia during a thunderstorm, with a cup of tea in my hand. All those hours I spent writing Broken Things. Watching Psych with friends and singing the theme song too many times. Being a part of Voices United and going to the practices with the Smiths. Listening to Bobby McFerrin with my Russian piano teacher.

Going to Outback with friends and listening to the Lumineers and eating cheese fries for the first time. Going to the DMV with the same friends on a whim because it was exam week and it was fun. All the summer weekends with my boyfriend at his house. Being in his arms, hanging out with his family, or all those thought-provoking conversations. Watching Foyle's War or Numb3rs with my family. Making note cards out of scrapbook paper and drinking sweet tea (with lemon!) out of mason jars with friends. Reading Game of Thrones. The feeling of a finding a new friend when the whole world seems to have gone dark. The film festivals.

Going to the library and studying with my best friend - studying which involved finding Scarlatti sonatas and Liszt waltzes and eating doughnuts. My 11th birthday party at my first piano teacher's house - my teacher gave me my first Bach CD and her sister made me cupcakes. Playing spoons on my 20th birthday. Working with Maria at McDonald's (as greasy and stressful as it was) and knowing I was meeting her perfectionist standards. Talking to my sister on video chat tonight. Bob and Matt, who listened to my story ideas instead of watching the super bowl.

Saturday mornings in my piano teacher's studio, practicing and memorizing and knowing she cares enough to give me as many extra lessons as it takes. My sophomore review. Singing in Women's Chorale in chapel and especially the concerts - the culmination of hours of rehearsals and hard work. Introducing Josh to my family in Disney World. The feeling when I finally memorize a piece - times a million when I perform it well from memory. Teaching piano and the dedication of my students who inspired me to be a better teacher. Babysitting the kids across the street.

Cherry Coke and pizza and painting my room and the High Kings. The smell of freshly mowed grass and a summer breeze through open windows. Swimming with Josh's cousins in their pool. Listening to Redwall. My mom reading Stuart Little, Dominick, The Thirteen Clocks and many other books out loud to us when we were kids. Being called "Aunt Emily." Being part of my "fish group" during the agony of college orientation. Seeing the sun rise on the intracoastal.

There were times in my life so good that I thought they would never end or change and some things so bad that I couldn't see how anything good could happen. But life goes back and forth like that, and during the good times it's important to appreciate it and during the bad times, it's important to know that it won't last forever. In the past year, I've lost friends that I thought would stick by me forever and I've made friends I never imagined I would have. But still life goes on, and no matter what, everything is a learning experience for tomorrow.

Summer, Oh Summer

Trying to make it through exam week. 

 It's finally summer!!! The last two weeks of school were crazyyyy. I was racing to get everything done in time, but somehow it all got done and I passed my sophomore review and life is good. My professors were so awesome and supportive - I couldn't have finished without their support. :)

Right at the end of the semester I decided to change my major to Music Ed. I had a lot of reasons for wanting to change, but mostly I just realized that teaching in a school is something I had never seriously considered before and when I did, it just made sense. There's more job security, it definitely won't keep me from having my own private piano studio someday, and to be honest, I think teaching in a classroom of young children would be really fun! Today I finally met up with my new advisor who helped me figure out a new degree plan and got my schedule all set for next semester. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

Waiting to go have a drawing lesson in Hollywood Studios

The day after my last exam, Josh and I drove up to Disney to meet with my uncle, dad, and younger brother and sister. I was a little nervous about everyone meeting him for the first time, after we'd been dating for six months already, but it all went way better than I even hoped for. It wasn't even a little bit awkward and everyone had a good time. I'm looking forward to when he can meet the rest of my family.

Finally done after 3 days of moving, cleaning, and organizing.

I'm all moved into my apartment for the summer. I'm living on campus and it's pretty ghetto, to be honest, but it is relatively inexpensive and there are no mold issues, like there were in my other on-campus apartment. Plus, maintenance just installed a brand new medicine cabinet/mirror in the bathroom, which may very well be the nicest part of the whole place. I'm really happy because it's pretty clean and easy to keep clean. The only BIG downside to this arrangement is that I have to move into a different room in the same building at the end of June. Not excited about that. Something about maintenance and what-not. But in August I'm moving into off-campus housing!! It's going to be so great.

In other news, I've started working at Anthropologie and it is going really well so far. McDonald's feels a million miles away and for that, I am very grateful. I do miss Maria however. She's the best. I'm also looking into getting another part-time job at the Salvation Army or anywhere within biking distance really. I'm also working on catching up on my piano practicing and maybe doing a little reading this summer and watching Netflix, of course. :) Josh and I just started the Sherlock series, which is pretty great. ^_^

I think that's about it for my life right now... Hope you're having a great summer. :)

How am I feeling?

When people ask how I am I don't know what to say. I feel better I guess. I'm not coughing. I'm not currently having an emotional breakdown. But every day I feel nauseated. I wake up feeling sick to my stomach. And it's a long time before I can lay down at night without wanting to throw up. During the day my heart races, sometimes my hands shake. At night I have nightmares about every possible (and impossible) horribleness. The smallest things make me feel nervous or claustrophobic. Sometimes I feel like crying for no apparent reason. A lot of times I'm so drowsy all I can think about is how much I want to lie down and sleep. 

They have a name for this. They call it "Severe Anxiety." Looking back, it seems obvious that I've always had this problem. This is one of the biggest reasons, even though I hadn't been officially diagnosed yet, that I debated whether or not to become a music student. Music students are notorious for being overloaded with classes, ensembles, practicing and homework. But it's where I felt the Lord was calling me and I really believe that He does not always "call the qualified, but rather, qualifies the called." All I can do is keep trying. 

And I'm not expecting people - even professors - to understand. They've been really understanding for the most part. Patient. Wanting to help. But it's not something that you go, "Oh, I don't have to be stressed!" and then everything is better. It's not something that you have a cup of tea and listen to some soft music and then walk away relaxed for the rest of the day. It's something you have to work through all the time and I've heard it never really goes away. It's something that will make you depend on God. 

The good news is that I am finally getting an appetite back after an unfortunate incident Sunday night. Today I ate a granola bar and a quarter of a sub and I am hungry for dinner. That's progress. Now... for a relaxing evening at home: writing a paper, eating dinner, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I'll probably do the cleaning first. There might be some Owl City involved... don't judge. 

It's Monday and It's Raining

A little mixed moods today. So thankful to be coughing less! Got through a whole rehearsal without coughing today. First time all semester I believe. The asthma/allergy specialist that I saw last week has really helped me so much and I feel like I am finally on the road to good health. After four months of coughing and throwing up and feeling nauseated and generally unwell, it is good to know that I could finally be getting a grip on this. Not to mention this "sickness" is something that has really haunted my whole life - but may be under control now, hopefully. This could change my whole life...

However I am kind of discouraged about being a music major. I feel like I am falling so far behind in practicing - a lot because I've been sick, but that doesn't really make me feel any better about it. I am not someone who enjoys making excuses for not working, but I feel like this semester all I've done is emailed teachers and explained why I am unable to meet all of their requirements. I thought I was doing a good job in lowering my commitments this semester (15 credits compared to 19 the last two semesters) and only one small side job. But somehow I'm still struggling to keep up.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up over time lost being sick. Stress certainly doesn't encourage health. All I can do now is work as hard as is reasonably possible and try to pick up the pieces. I feel like this is what my whole life is with piano. Either getting sick and getting behind, or being too busy working, or not taking piano lessons for several years... I'm always trying to recover from some major setback. Plus, my teacher and another pianist confirmed for me this week that I will probably never be able to play Rachmaninoff because I have really tiny hands. I sometimes wonder why I ever thought piano was something I could be good at.

That isn't the attitude of a fighter though. A fighter keeps going, keeps picking themselves back up, keeps going back to the practice room even when they feel like all hope is lost. They keep scrubbing at the dirt and dusting the furniture and taking all of the medicines and inhalers and avoiding the foods that kick them back down. They don't look back at the things they could have done, they just look ahead at all they are going to do. They set realistic goals for themselves and stop comparing themselves to other people who always seem to be one step ahead. I used to think I was a fighter. I guess it's time to find out.

Spring Break Finale

Back in Florida after a few restful days in Virginia! I got to see my family - including my niece and nephew - and friends and sleep a lot and see my doctor and fun stuff like that. It wasn't even that cold until Thursday, when I flew out. It was hovering beneath freezing yesterday. But the other days were really beautiful. I found out that I'm not nearly as good at chess as I thought I was. I got to do homemaking stuff like cooking several times and mending a couple tears in my boyfriend's clothes. It was nice.

Last Wednesday (the 5th), my choir director from back home was in Florida so he took me out to dinner. Super nice! It was really great to see him and I got to show him my new bike and the school. His wife sent down with him a pack of 90 EmergenC packets for me, so I've been working on drinking them. He even got to meet Josh briefly. There's something especially fun about someone coming to see me down here that is different than going home to see people. Although both are great of course.

I got really sick that night and couldn't go to class Thursday. That was really stressful because I missed a midterm, a chapel performance, a band party, and a friend's recital. But I couldn't get out of bed and slept the whole day. But Josh cleaned up my bathroom for me until it sparkled and a professor brought me soup and bread and gatorade which I thought was super nice. I felt much, much better the next day, thanks to the rest, prayers and kind services. :)

On Friday night, Josh took me to see "The Wind Rises" which was amazing. I loved it. We laughed and we cried. The animation, music, story - everything was amazing. I really want to see it again, it was so good. It was about the Japanese aviation engineer who designed the bombers that they used to bomb Pearl Harbor. We hear so much about America (obviously, being Americans) that it is really interesting to get a different perspective on that time and try to understand more of what was going on outside of the west.

I found out some really sad news right as I was leaving Virginia last night... George Donaldson, one of the original five members of Celtic Thunder, died of a heart attack Wednesday night. This was really, really sad for me on a personal level because of how much that group has meant to me, especially when I was a teenager. Their songs were very meaningful for me, and I always thought of George Donaldson as being the "father figure" in the group. It was really shocking to hear of his sudden death and my heart goes out to his 13-year-old daughter, Sarah, and his wife, Carolyn. :-/ My grandfather died of a heart attack when I was 16 and George singing "The Old Man" was something very special to me at the time. I will always fondly remember the time I got to see them in concert with Colleen on my 17th birthday.

Before Monday, I have to write at least half of a 15-page paper, finish memorizing a Chopin nocturne, get a Scarlatti sonata "in my hands," and perform in a concert on Saturday. I also have a lot of reading to do. I kind of want to wash my sheets and get unpacked too. I feel like my break went by so quickly, but that's okay. I'm really looking forward to summer.  I'm just a whirlwind of thoughts and memories and plans and ideas and stress... lots to think about.

Since I last posted. . .

Modeling the earrings my sister made me. 

So much going on all the time! It's so hard to keep up with anything, especially this poor blog. :-/ 

For one thing, I've been sick since forever. I kind of got better over Christmas break - not completely, but almost. And the progress I did make was pretty much because I did almost nothing but sleep for those four weeks. When I got back to school I felt even better - this time completely better - in the warm, sunny air. For a little bit. Like, two weeks to be exact. Then I picked up the sickness everyone else was getting, but unlike with everyone else, it has remained loyal to me for a month now. :-P

Besides being sick though, I'm really enjoying this semester. I feel like I am learning a lot and that I am being challenged without being overwhelmed. I'm learning a bunch of new pieces which is exciting. I'm playing several composers that I have either never played before or have barely touched the surface of their works, as well as composers that are old friends to me: Scarlatti, Prokofiev, Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and Chopin. I'm also working on a Schumann sonata that I'm trying to get to a performable level by next February. So it's been fun. :) I feel like I'm finally starting to recover from the two-year break I took from piano during high school. 

When I first got back from break in January.

Of course. . . I'm sure you are all dying to know about the boyfriend situation! ;-) (And by "you all" I mean my five readers. hahaha :-P) Well... things are going super well. I feel like we took things kind of fast in the beginning and covered a lot of serious topics really quickly, but now we are slowing down and things are getting easier as we get to know each other better. We took the Myers-Briggs personality test and we have personalities that are supposed to be really compatible, so we have that on our side! haha Yeah, I mean, what can I say? I am happy. Josh is like the ideal boyfriend. You know all those endless posts on Pinterest about, "I wish I had a boyfriend that...."?? He's that boyfriend. It's not always easy and it's not always fun, but overall this has been one of the best experiences of my life and I know I will always be grateful for it no matter what happens in the future. I am learning so much about myself and about life and about God through this relationship. I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

There have been unhappy times this semester too. Something I've realized about myself, more than I ever had before, is how easily I let myself be controlled by other people. It may be part of my people-pleasing personality, as I mentioned in my last post. I seem to have this desperation for the approval of my friends, family, and really anyone I ever meet. This is extremely dangerous for obvious reasons. I have realized that many of my "beliefs" and "convictions" are based on trusting other people to tell me what to think. Besides even that though, it can be very dangerous if I am around people who want to control me and manipulate me. I have found myself in this situation a few times and it is always extremely painful when the time of truth comes. I sometimes wonder if I have built entire friendships based on what I thought was "having a lot in common" when in reality, it was just me following their every whim and desire. Then, when I decide at last to do what I think is right at a time of disagreement, the friendship necessarily crumbles. I could easily see myself as a victim in this situation, but I realize that I am also very much to fault. Because I did not take the trouble of being an individual in the first place, the friendship took off and grew and seemingly flourished, only to disappoint both of us when it suddenly died later. 

It is a monumental task to be an individual, especially when it does not come naturally to you. To rise above what would be easy. To stop going along with the "crowd." To not simply believe what you are told. To be a skeptic. To research and study and search for the truth. To say, "I love you, but I disagree with you." To stand on your own convictions though it cost you friendships. To refrain from harboring bitterness against those who resent your individuality. To remain kind and patient to all, though it feels as if some of them are sticking knives through your heart. It seems nearly impossible and even scary, to me. However, many things that have seemed impossible were made possible by God, even in my own personal experiences already. So I will trust that He will help me to become more of an individual, to become more Christ-like. To become the person He wants me to be, and not the person(s) everyone else wants me to be. 

"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16